,,Okay, listen up. You're about to make chicken parmesan. Do you know what that is? It's fried chicken with cheese and a side of pasta. It's actually more complicated than that, but I don't want to overload you right now.
[[Ready to start?|Start Recipe]]Buckle up, we've got a long way to go. Got a recipe? Yeah? Throw it away. You won't need it.
Okay, go wash your hands. I said wash them. WASH THEM! Soap and water. //Hot// water. I see you skimping on the soap. Twenty seconds, let's go. I'll sing a song:
//Happy birthday to me.//
//Happy birthday to me...//
That's enough of that, I'm bored. Go dry your hands off. No, don't just shake them, grab a towel! God, it's not that difficult.
Alright, are your grubby palms clean now? Are they dry? Quit whining, you can moisturize after dinner. Go grab the chicken and let's get started.
[[Look for Chicken in the Freezer]]
[[Look for Chicken in the Fridge]]Look at you taking initiative. Alright, go get the chicken out of the fridge. No, the fridge. No, not the freezer, the //fridge.//
[[Open Fridge|Look for Chicken in the Fridge]]
Open Freezer(click:"Open Freezer")[
... What do you mean you didn't thaw out the chicken? Did I not just... tell you earlier today that we're making chicken parmesan? //Chicken// parmesan??? And you didn't think to thaw out the chicken?
Well $%!#.
Okay, we can still salvage this. I'm too impatient to wait for the goddamn chiken to thaw, so I'll go to the store and get some already thawed chicken. You just... [[wait here]] and for the LOVE OF GOD don't [[mess anything else up!]]
]Look at you go. Got the chicken? Good. Imagine if you hadn't taken that out of the freezer to thaw. God, I would've been so mad.
Okay, go put two of them on a plate while you get everything else.
Wait, are those [[breasts]] or [[tenders]]?Okay, I got what we needed. I should've made you go. This was all your fault, after all. Some lady tried to run me over with her cart in the meat section. I wouldn't have minded if she ran you over, since you made me drive all the way out there and back. Would've saved me a lot of angst.
Anyway, here's your goddamn chicken. Make sure to unwrap it first... No, don't give me that look! You didn't even by the goddamn meat in the first place!
Got all the plastic off? Good. Now cut the breasts in half before you gather the other ingredients.
[[Cut the Chicken|Cut]]
(link:"Gather Other Ingredients")[(set: $chicken_cut to "whole")(goto: "Gather Other Ingredients")]I swear to the good LORD, I leave you alone for twenty minutes and you pull this $%!#??? What the hell did you do, practice your batting skills with a vacuum??? There's eggs all over the floor! Please, for the love of all things holy and nice, tell me you didn't manage to break all of them.
And is that... a #?@%!~& breadcrumb volcano? We aren't in second grade science class! This is //real life cooking,// for Christ's sake! With, like, ingredients and recipes and $%!#.
Don't even get me started on all this #?@%!~& white powder all over the kitchen. You know what, don't tell me. No, don't talk to me! This mess is @$$.
...Okay, maybe we can still fix this.(click:"fix this.")[
Um, get all the eggs that are still good. No, do //not// scoop the #?@%!~& egg yolks off the floor! Crack the unbroken ones in a mixing bowl. Good. Here's the #?@%!~& chicken. Cut two breasts in half horizontally so they're thin enough. No, not vertically! Horizontally! Turn the #?@%!~& knife sideways! Flat, like a pancake. There you go. Now slice! It's not that hard.
Okay, good. Put the damn poultry on a plate. Now scoop as much of the breadcrumb volcano as you can into another bowl. It's got to be deep enough for you to coat the chicken with. And get as much of that flour off the counter as you can and put it on a [[seperate plate.|flour]]
]Cool. You actually listened to me. Now cut the breasts in half before you gather the other ingredients.
[[Cut the Chicken|Cut]]
(link:"Gather Other Ingredients")[(set: $chicken_cut to "whole", $chickens to 2)(goto: "Gather Other Ingredients")]Interesting. I said breasts, but I can understand that confusing b-r-e-a-s-t-s and t-e-n-d-e-r-s is easy for you. Oh well, chicken is chicken, I guess. About three tenders equal one breast, and the recipe calls for two breasts, so you do the math. Wait, I'll do the math. Get out six tenders. Good. Go (link:"get the other stuff.")[(set: $chicken_cut to "whole", $chickens to 6)(goto: "Gather Other Ingredients")]Okay listen up, here's what you need. Eggs, pasta, flour, breadcrumbs, seasoning - what do you mean, "What seasoning"? It's chicken parmesan! That's about as Italian as it gets! The seasoning literally has "Italian" in its name! Go check the pantry. I swear to God, if you make me come over there...
Found it? Good. Get it out. And the oil. And the parmesan. Yes, the grated kind. What, did you think the recipe called for, a massive wagon wheel of cheese? #?@% no! Unless you feel like grating that goddamn cheese until your arm goes numb like a frozen gummy worm, I suggest we go with the store-bought kind!
Got it? Okay. Get some water too. Two seperate cups. From the sink, yes. Okay good, bring them here. Set one by the chicken - yeah, like that. Bring the other one over here - hand it over, thanks.
...Ahhh, that hit the spot. Yelling at you really makes me parched. Okay, ready to get started?
[[Yes|Start Making the Breading]]
[[No|Don't Start]]Careful, that knife is sharp. Now slice it - no, not #?@%!~& vertically! Horizontally! Turn the #?@%!~& knife sideways! Flat, like a pancake. There you go. Now slice! It's not that hard. Almost there... good. Now go get the (link:"other stuff.")[(set: $chickens to 4)(goto: "Gather Other Ingredients")]Look at me. Watch my mouth. Grab one - one! - piece of chicken... I don't care! Use a fork, use your fingers, steal a goddamn crane from a construction site, it doesn't matter! Pick up the damn chicken!
Good, now put it in the plate with the flour. Don't just slam it down, do you see that cloud of dust you just made? We'll be choking in minutes if you keep that up, not to mention the #?@%!~& mess you're making! Not that it matters now that this whole kitchen is like a B83 nuclear bomb test zone. Anyways, coat the whole chicken breast with the flour. Coat it all. Coat it some more!
Now dip that crusty bastard in the egg. Dip it! Submerge it! Drown that meat like a bug in concrete!
Good! Now pop that baby in the breading! Swirl it around! Cover it like a dead body! Is it all covered? Don't lie, you didn't even check it! Is it all covered? Good, now put it into the oil - GENTLY - God, that stung. How'd you even splash me all the way over here?
Oh well, it doesn't matter. Do you hear that?(click: "that?")[
Oh yes, that sizzle! Ooo baby, listen to that oil! Sizzle sizzle sizzle. Delicious. Okay, now repeat everything we just did for the rest of the chicken.
(if: $chickens is 2)[[[Repeat the Steps|Repeat (Whole Chicken)]]](else-if: $chickens is 4)[[[Repeat the Steps|Repeat (Breasts)]]](else:)[[[Repeat the Steps|Repeat (Tenders)]]]
]
Why
The Hell
Not???
I lug my @$$ all the way over here and then you drop this $%!# on me? I'm not helping you for my own goddamn wellbeing! This chicken ain't gonna parm itself! Pick up that goddamn fork and let's go!
[[Pick Up the Fork|Start Making the Breading]]
[[Eat the Fork]]Okay, now that that's over with, let's get started. First you need to get a big pot and fill it with water. Cold water is fine; you're not bathing in it. Keep going... keep going... Stop! That's enough water. Go put the pot on the stove to boil.
Good, now listen to me closely: it's time to make the breading. Pour the breadcrumbs into a big mixing bowl. No, not the whole #?@%!~& thing! All you needed was a cup and a half... Okay, that's fine, everything's fine. Now pour a half-cup of parmesan - yes, the one that says one-over-two - into the bowl. Season it liberally with the seasoning. Keep shaking... Keep shaking... Don't you DARE take the lid off that container, do you hear me?
Okay that's enough. Now mix it. Mix it! Good. Now grab the [[eggs.]]Alright let's go. I'm tired of just sitting around watching you mess everything up anyways. First, go fill one a big pot with water. Cold water is fine; you're not going hottubbing. Keep going... keep going... Stop! That's enough water. Go put the pot on the stove to boil.
Good, now listen to me closely: it's time to make the breading. Pour the breadcrumbs into a big mixing bowl. No, not the whole #?@%!~& thing! All you needed was a cup... Okay, that's fine, everything's fine. Now pour a quarter-cup of parmesan - yes, the one that says one-over-four - into the bowl. Season it liberally with Italian seasoning. Keep shaking... Keep shaking... Don't you DARE take the lid off that container, do you hear me?
Okay that's enough. Now grab the [[eggs.]]Did you just... Did you just... Eat the #?@%!~& fork??? Lord Almighty, why would you eat the fork! They make #?@%!~& iron supplements for a reason! Stainless steel wouldn't even help with that! God, spit it out! No? That's it, we're going to the damn hospital! Christ, this is the last time I ask you to cook! Get in the damn car! We're leaving!(click:"We're leaving!")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Careful, don't drop them. Get out two eggs. Make sure they're not broken. Okay, now crack them into another mixing bowl.
(click: "crack")[Jesus Christ, don't #?@%!~& //throw// the eggs into the bowl! Do you want #?@%!~& eggshells in your chicken? If I wanted to tear apart the inside of my mouth I would've swallowed a goddamn fork. Get two more eggs and try getting //just// the insides in the bowl this time.
Wow, look at you. They grow up so fast. Scratch that, you just threw an egg at a bowl. Okay, go get a fork or a whisk or something and beat the eggs. Beat them! Faster! [[Faster!]]
]BEAT THE DAMN EGGS!
[[The Eggs Are Beaten]]
[[The Eggs Are Not Beaten]]Nice and frothy. Eggsellent. Haha I'm so funny.
LAUGH DAMNIT.
Thank you.
Now get the oil ready. Get a skillet. No, a skillet. No, not a #?@%!~& slow-cooker, a skillet! The flat-ish thing!
God, okay. Now get the vegetable oil and pour one cup into the skillet. Don't put the rest away yet, we might need more if we use up all that. Good, now turn the stove on to medium-high. Also check the water in the pot. Is it boiling yet? Lord Almighty, do you see bubbles? [[Yes?|Water is Boiling 1]] No? (click: "No?")[Okay, that's fine. Let's start [[breading the chicken.|Start Making the Chicken]]
]Why would you just hand over the whisk to the eggs when they asked for it? Did you know nothing? Don't listen to the food when you're cooking it! Oh good, now the eggs are strangling you. There's literally two of them, how can you not hold your own?
Oh, now you're dead. Hmm, I don't remember this part in the recipe. Let me go check... Wait, no, you guys promised that you wouldn't attack me! We talked about this! No, no, noooooooo!(click: "noooooooo")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Oh goody! Get the pasta. What kind? I don't know! Spaghetti, farfelle, penne, lasagna, I don't care! Open a box and pour it into the pot! Good, make sure to set a timer before forgetting.
(link:"Set Timer")[(set: $timer to "on")(goto: "Set Timer 1")]
[[Start Making the Chicken]]Well beat them faster!
[[The Eggs Are Beaten]]
[[The Eggs Are Beating Me]]Okay, here we go. Wait, shouldn't we have more chicken than just two? Oh well, we should be fine. We'll just have leftover egg and breading. Nobody cares about wasting eggs anyway.
Oh well. Do you remember the steps? Look at me. What are the steps? Say them. Good. Okay, let's start. Get your chicken. Good. Now go on, do the order.
[[Egg, Flour, Breading|Wrong 1]]
[[Flour, Egg, Breading]]
[[Egg, Breading, Flour|Wrong 1]]
[[Breading, Flour, Egg|Wrong 1]]Hold the #?@% up! What are you doing??? I just showed you the order a minute ago! Throw that damn breading abomination out, grab the last chicken from the package, and let's try this again! I'm watching you...
[[Egg, Breading, Flour|Wrong 2]]
[[Egg, Flour, Breading|Wrong 2]]
[[Breading, Flour, Egg|Wrong 2]]
[[Flour, Egg, Breading]]Wow, I really didn't expect you to pull that off. Okay, put that piece in the oil and check the (if: $water is "boil")[pasta again. Not done yet? Okay, that's fine.](else:)[water again. Is it boiling? [[Yes?|Water is Boiling 2]] No?](click: "No?")[Um, okay. Let's just [[watch the chicken.]] now and wait for it to boil.]What the #?@%! That was the last piece of whole chicken! You ruined it! No, don't look at me like that, I literally walked you through it. $%!#. Fine. Everything's fine. Just... throw away everything. Yes, everything! I can't look at the symbols of your failure. Here, there's my credit card. Order Chinese or something. Don't look at me, just order! (click: "order!")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Set the timer for 10 minutes. No, 10 minutes. Look at me. One-zero. Good, now [[start making the chicken|Start Making the Chicken]] Oh goody! Get the pasta. What kind? I don't know! Spaghetti, farfelle, penne, lasagna, I don't care! Open a box and pour it into the pot!
(set: $water to "boil")
Good, make sure to set a timer.
(link:"Set Timer")[(set: $timer to "on")(goto: "Set Timer 2")]
[[watch the chicken.]]Check the chicken. No, don't #?@%!~& touch the frying pan! What's wrong with you? Do you want to keep your fingers or not? Go grab a spatula and make sure the chicken isn't burning underneath.
...Did you check it? No, don't just nod your head! Flip it up and check the bottom! Is it crispy and brown?
[[It's crispy and brown.]]
[[The stove isn't on.]]Set the timer for 10 minutes. No, 10 minutes. Look at me. One-zero. Good, now [[start making the chicken|watch the chicken.]]Do you remember the steps? Look at me. What are the steps? Say them. Good. Okay, let's start. Get your chicken. Good. Now go on, [[do the order.|Repeat 1.3]]Do you remember the steps? Look at me. What are the steps? Say them. Good. Okay, let's start. Get your chicken. We've got six tenders, so get ready for your arm to cramp. Now go on, [[do the order.|Repeat 2.3]]Good, now flip the chicken. Careful! Don't splash - this isn't a kiddie pool! Okay, now check the (if: $timer is "on")[pasta again. Oh, would you look at that. Timer's done! [[Perfect timing.|Pasta is Ready]]](else-if: $water is "boil")[pasta again. Did the timer go off? I couldn't hear anything over your whining. I guess it didn't. Okay, let it cook longer. [[Watch the chicken again.]]](else:)[water again. Wait. Is the #?@%!~& burner [[not even on?|Water Is Off]]]What the #?@%??? Why did you turn the #?@%!~& stove off? Did you want me to grab a #?@%!~& blowtorch to cook the chicken? Turn the oil on before the chicken soaks it all up!
[[Turn the Oil On]]
[[Drink the Oil]]Okay, we can still salvage this. Turn the oil on medium high. I'm going to watch you. That's right, turn the dial. There you go. Let it get hot for a bit... Alright, do you hear that sizzle? That means "good." Now let the chicken cook for a bit... good... now check it. Great. That was so absolutely unnecessary, but at least we're [[back on track.|It's crispy and brown.]]Did you just... drink the #?@%!~& oil? All of it? Did it... did it even taste good? Christ. This is... Oh Lord, this is a mess. This is a #?@%!~& mess. I can't - I can't do this anymore. Oh good, and now you're throwing up. What the hell did you expect?? It's cooking oil! Jesus... you're still throwing up. Oh God, I think I'm gonna... yep, there it is. Christ, I need to get some air. (click: "air.")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Ooo goody! God, I'm starving! It wouldn't have taken so long if somebody had just //listened// to me, but apparently that's to much to ask anymore. Oh well, it's not like you drank the oil or anything. That would be embarrasing. Okay, get a strainer and - no, the strainer - the bowl with the //goddamn// holes! Yes, that one! Now put it in the sink and pour the pasta into it.
[[Pour Pasta Into Strainer]]
[[Pour Pasta Into Drain]]Let the chicken fry for just a few more minutes. Tick tock tick tock. Wow, I could be a clock. You know, I was once told I could keep perfect time in the second grade. I should've gotten a #?@%!~& medal or something.
...Just a bit longer. (click: "longer")[
Alright, the chicken should be done by now. Check it one more time - wait! What did we say about not using your fingers? Grab the goddamn spatula. There you go. Lift it up a bit and see if the underside is crispy. Ooo yes, I can smell it from here! God//damn// that's going to taste good!
Alright, now get the pasta...
Wait. Why's the pasta [[not done yet?]]
] Jesus! By the time that water boils my bones will be displayed in some high-tech museum! No, don't apologize! I want you to do one thing for me. Just //one// thing, for the love of God. Can you do that? Yes? Okay, bring that pot of water over here. Yes, that one. Good. Now don't look at me while I scream into this goddamn pot. Actually, don't look at me ever again.(click: "ever again.")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Great. You did it. Two for two. I never thought we'd get this far. Two more. Don't screw this up.
[[Repeat|Repeat 1.4]]
[[Screw It Up]]Last one. Flour, eggs, breading, oil. Great. Perfect. Wow, I feel like I've been holding a breath for the past ten minutes. Good. Now [[watch the chicken.]] $%!#! #?@%! Did you just drink the goddamn eggs??? What the #?@%! That was all the eggs we have! You just - Jesus, you just ruined the whole meal! No, don't you look at me like that! Don't look nauseous either! This is all your fault! Spit them out! God! Not out here, dumb@$$, go to the bathroom!
...Are you puking? You're either puking or starting a chainsaw. Jesus. I'm just... I'm just going to see myself out. I'll stop at Arby's or something on the way home. It might not be great but it'll be GODDAMN edible!(click: "GODDAMN edible!")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Great. Two for two. There's four more. Don't screw this up. I'll kill you.
[[Repeat|Repeat 2.4]]
[[Screw It Up]]Good. Next.
[[Repeat|Repeat 2.5]]Keep going. Don't you mess this up.
[[Mess It Up|Screw It Up]]
[[Repeat|Repeat 2.6]]Wow, look at that! Last one. Flour, eggs, breading, oil. Great. You're a natural. Just kidding, you couldn't even read the word "breasts." Oh well, we're done with the breading. Now [[watch the chicken.]] Careful, see that steam? That means it's hot. So don't touch it. Pour it - good - now shake it. Shake shake shake. Get all that water out. Great. Now rinse it with some cold water so it doesn't stick and turn the burner off. Now we wait for the chicken to [[finish frying.]]That was our dinner!!! What the #?@%! How the hell are we going to eat the chicken now without any pasta? You might as well be working at goddamn Chick fil-A now that we don't have any #?@%!~& pasta! That's not chicken parmesan, that's... I don't even know what this is anymore! Stick your goddamn hands down that drain and pull out every last noodle. I don't even care if we eat anymore, I just want you to suffer.
[[Pull Out Noodles]]
[[Climb Into Drain]]Okay, the chicken should be done by now. Check it one more time - wait! What did we say about not using your fingers? Grab the goddamn spatula. There you go. Lift it up a bit and see if the underside is crispy. Ooo yes, I can smell it from here! God//damn// that's going to taste good!
Alright, grab a baking dish and pour the pasta into it. Careful, don't spill anything! If I wanted you to waste pasta, I would've told you to pour down the #?@%!~& drain! Good, make sure it's all even. Perfect. Now it's time for the [[chicken.|Add Chicken]](if: $chicken_cut is not "whole")[Alright, take the chicken out of the frying pan and just lay it on the pasta, nice and easy. There you go. Perfect. Keep going. Nice, this is so simple a beetle could do it. It's perfect for you.
Great. Now grab the jar of tomato sauce and just drizzle it over the baking dish. Yep, careful, it's glass. You've got to open the #?@%!~& jar first!
[[Open Jar]]
[[Smash Jar]]
](else:)[Alright, take the chicken out of the... Hang on, that chicken looks thicker than it should. Did we... did you cut it in half like I said? [[Yes?|Chicken Was Cut]] [[No?|Chicken Wasn't Cut]]
]How much time is left on the timer?
...You forgot to set the #?@%!~& timer??? What the #?@%! Move! Let me see the pot.
Oh, God. They're all mushy and //ruined!//
You... you foul, loathing, evil little //cockroach!// Yeah, you better run! I'll beat you to death with this spoon! (click: "death with this spoon!")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]I honestly can't believe you actually did that. Wow. That's... honestly kind of repulsive. Okay, fine, whatever. Rinse those noodles off and make sure they're strained. Now, for the love of Christ, let's [[finish frying.]]How the hell did you even //fit// down there?? You know what, I don't really care. Just... For the love of Christ, just get the pasta out and we can go back to making chicken parmesan.
... What's that? Yes, you have to come back out! You can't just live in the drain!
Listen here, you little $%!#, come out of that sink //this instant// or else.
I'm going to count to three! One! Two... For the love of God, get //out// of the drain before I call a plumber! Oh good, you're crawling deeper. I honestly do not get paid enough to deal with this $%!#. Although I did drop a ring down there a few months ago, so if you see that, can you grab it for me?
Right, you're already in the sewers. Goddammit. (click: "Goddammit.")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Did you hear that pop? God, that's erotic. I'm so hungry. Okay, pour the sauce over the chicken and the pasta. Nice and easy, you're not God flooding the Earth for forty days. Great.
Alright, get the mozzarella cheese. Yes, the white stringy stuff. Sprinkle it all over the chicken and pasta. Yesssss, just like super long, super scrumptious snowflakes.
Great. Perfect. Wow, that actually looks surprisingly decent. Okay, set the oven to broil and [[pop that baby in there.]]$%!#! #?@%! What the hell was that for! Why would you just... smash the whole goddamn jar??? We needed that! Jesus... I can't do this anymore. Get a bucket and a mop and clean that $%!# up. If you need me, I'll be on the roof doing some //goddamn// yoga. (click: "yoga")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Okay, thank God. That would've been bad. You really had me there, not going to lie. Okay, take the chicken out of the frying pan and just lay it on the pasta, nice and easy. There you go. Perfect. Keep going. Nice, this is so simple a rat could do it. It's perfect for you.
Great. Now grab the jar of tomato sauce and drizzle it over the baking dish. Careful, it's glass. Yes, you've got to open the #?@%!~& jar first!
[[Open Jar]]
[[Smash Jar]]No? What the #?@%! I gave you crystal clear instructions! //Cut the goddamn chicken!// It's not that hard! Jesus... No, you can't just "cook it more," the outside will be too goddamn hard if you leave it in for much longer!
God, this is a #?@%!~& mess. Alright, tell you what. Just...turn the damn stove off. We have the pasta. Grab a jar of tomato sauce and we'll just have some goddamn spaghetti. Can't #?@%!~& mess that up unless you crawl inside a drain or something. Christ. (click: "Christ.")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan. You made spaghetti.
]Good, now close the oven door. Great. Now listen closely. It won't take more than a few minutes for the cheese to brown, so we need to watch that parm closely.
[[Watch Closely]]
[[Watch From a Distance]]Mmm, do you smell that? Vaporious bliss. Look at that cheese bubble. I cannot //wait// to put that goddamn creation in my mouth. I think it's ready. Does the cheese look browned enough?
[[The cheese is browned.]]
[[The cheese is on fire.]]Excuse me, where are you going? I said watch it //closely!// How can you see anything from all the way over there! Get back over here!
[[Watch Closely]]
[[Walk Away]]Don't you turn your back to me! I didn't just go through all of this #?@%!~& stress just so you could walk away from me! I'm not just yelling for my goddamn health!
Hey! Are you even listening to me?? Turn the #?@% around!
Why are you putting your jacket on? Wait, don't you dare put those shoes on. Hey! Get back here! Don't you open the #?@%!~& door! The parm's going to burn! Listen here - Hey, don't you slam that door! I'm not done with -- (click: "done with --")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]Oh, doesn't that sight just toast all your bagels! She's readyyyyyy! Turn the oven off and take it out now. Yes, this now. Right now. Don't you dare touch that baking dish with your #?@%!~& bare @$$ hands. It's so hot, it might as well be on fire. Grab some goddamn oven mitts first. There you go. Careful... careful...
Wow... that actually looks like it was //almost// worth all the blood, sweat, and tears I put into making you make it. God, I cannot //wait// to eat that!
Here, hand me a spatula. I'll serve us. A nice big scoop for me... Mmm, look at that cheese! And a nice little portion for you. Got to watch those carbs, after all. Alright, pull up a chair and let's eat! (click: "let's eat!")[
Results:
You made chicken parmesan. You may now eat the chicken parmesan (carbs) or the narrator (protein).
]What the - how did that even happen? Can cheese catch fire? Never in my life have I seen cheese catch fire. Jesus Christ, don't just stand there, grab the fire extinguisher!
[[Grab the Fire Extinguisher]]
[[There's No Fire Extinguisher]]Great! Lucky we have one of those. Now put the fire out. No, you have to open the goddamn oven door first. There you go. Give the thing a squeeze. Ooo, big cloud. Is the fire out yet? Thank God. Alright, let's just... Let's just scrape all that goo off the top and we can still have at least //some// chicken parmesan.
Alright, I think that's enough baking. Just take the baking dish out of the oven and let's call it a meal. Wow, look at the lopsided mistake with a side of dissappointment. No, I'm not just talking about the meal. Go get us some plates while I dig around for some edible bits in this goddamn mess. (click: "edible bits")[
Results:
You (sort of) made chicken parmesan. You may now eat.
]What?? How do you not have a fire extinguisher?? Grab a bucket of water, grab some sheets, put it out with your goddamn hands, I don't know! How the #?@% did you even catch it on fire???
Hurry up, it's spreading! God, how did this even happen? It's not like you walked away from it or anything. We've been standing here this whole time. Jesus, the whole oven's on fire now. Don't look at me like that, you're the one who doesn't own a goddamn fire extinguisher!
Hurry hurry hurry. Hurry! The counter's on fire too! Oh, and the cabinets. This is great fun. Ah, and there goes the KitchenAid. It had a dough hook and everything. Wow, it's hot in here. Did you get that bucket of water yet? Oh, you're on fire too. This really is a #?@%!~& mess. The least I could do is make a goddamn s'more before I die, but all the marshmallows burned too. Oh, my hands are on fire too. Convenient. At least i don't have to -- (click: "don't have to --")[
Results:
You did not make chicken parmesan.
]